It’s the only word I can think of, and it’s the scariest word in the world.
I don’t even know whats wrong with me. I keep writing and drawing, crumbling the papers and hiding them in my old boxes. I tried to burn them earlier tonight, but couldn’t do it. It’s like that time I destroyed Gwen’s drawing. I can never do that again. I want this time to be different, I want to destroy what I saw, to remove it from my memories. I want to draw it, write it down and then never ever see it again. But I can’t. Fuck. It’s there. Still in my memory. Like a scraping nail on the back of my retina. I can FEEL it, but not really see it. I want to scratch my eyeballs out. At least the pain would make the fear go away for just a while. I know something was there, water is not supposed to move like that. Why am I so scared? This is not me.
Wendy is calling from downstairs again. I tried locking the door, but it was already locked, I don’t remember locking it.
I’m so afraid, I don’t even know what to do. I’ve been hiding under this blanket for hours… I think. I’m supposed to be a grown woman. I’ve got school tomorrow…. But the only thing I can think of is hiding. Trying to find someplace safe, but there is really nowhere to be found.
I need to sleep.